Over the next several years of my life I will discover who will remain my true and solid friend. It is a terrible feeling caring about someone who doesn’t return the same level of care and friendship towards you. Honestly, it’s how the saying goes: actions speak louder than words. I thought this weekend was going to be a lot different than it is. It isn’t over yet, but things aren’t really looking up. I can honestly say that I almost don’t care to go out of my way to spend time and try to enjoy myself with people who don’t give a fuck about me. They are only looking out for themselves. I just want to do my own thing and take care of myself. If you want to be a part of my life, then show me. I’m seriously here for a few days and I hardly get to spend time with you because I guess some other people are more important. That feels great. Nothing will ever be the same. We are growing up and doing different things with our lives. I wish our paths would be closer but I’m beginning to feel like they won’t be. It sucks. I just need to figure things out for me and not plan my life around others. Aghh, sleep time! 

The best word to describe my mother right now. I understand children are growing up and becoming more and more disrespectful towards their elders but is off her rocker. I am having a fantastic chill night with my best friends after getting in from my flight. Knowing that people always simply come and go from my house we go home with Cerena with the intentions of her spending the night. I have not seen my best friend in so long and I want one of those late nights where we just lay in bed and talk for hours about everything. But no. The second we walk in the door my mom is pissed. She literally flips out yelling at me, Ben, and Cerena and telling her to leave. It’s so embarrassing and uncomfortable when someones parent tells you to get out of their house. My mom knows Cerena is my best friend. She is more than that. She is my sister. Of course my mom always does her whole “I don’t need a reason” bullshit. Pretty much ruined my night. On top of that, the new house doesn’t get cell service cause we are fucking Tuskan Raiders in the fucking desert. Hopefully things get better over the weekend since we will be gone camping. But I am still kind of disappointed because I have not had a good chance to really connect and catch up with my best friend. It feels like I haven’t had a real deep conversation with her in ages. I need some girl time with my best friend. 

Sometimes what you want isn’t always what you need. Once you hit the bottom there is only one way to go but up. I seriously hate getting moody. Looking back to the beginning of Winter quarter I was seriously the most optimistic person. Maybe it was cause I just realized how happy I could make myself on my own. Every day was the best day ever for me. I woke up every morning and thanked God for letting me live in such a beautiful place and go to school to study what I love. Everything seemed to go downhill. Days got worse and happiness has faded. I feel so lost from God even though PUC should be the last place to make me feel that way. I need something new. Seriously. I’m addicted to one thing and I know it isn’t healthy. I need to get back to my happy place. I need to find meaning to everything I am doing. I’ve never ever been one to be mad at God. He never did anything to hurt me, people have, life has. I’m the one who has hurt him. I need to reconnect with God. But I don’t know how.